Deputies are people too, and nothing human is alien to them. This was confirmed by the Law of Ukraine "On Salo," which people's deputy Levko Lukyanenko submitted for consideration to the Verkhovna Rada. "Proceeding from the historical mission of Salo as a guide of humanism and public morality... affirming the right to global hegemony of Salo and the Salo-products subordinate to it, the Verkhovna Rada of Ukraine solemnly adopts this Law."
\n \nBut since this happened on April 1, it became merely an April Fools' joke. Yet it is only a step from the funny to the serious, so we shall present the text of the draft law with minor abridgements.
\n \nArticle I. Terms
\n1. Salo-consumers — citizens of Ukraine or, with their permission — foreign citizens.
\n2. Salo-eater — any person who is not on the psychiatric register.
\n \nArticle II. The Role of Salo and the Oath
\n1. Henceforth the noun "Salo" in any grammatical case shall be written with a capital letter. Violation of this rule entails administrative or criminal liability. The words lard, fatback, and rendered fat are written with a lowercase letter but are subject to public respect as derivatives of Salo.
\n2. Since Salo is a global phenomenon, countries that call Salo lard, fet, and other unnecessary words are obliged to replace them with Salo (in Latin script — Sir Salo). Refusal of such a change entails the immediate dispatch of an RKhP battalion to the combat zone to establish Salo democracy.
\n3. Every person who wishes to acquire citizenship is obliged to take an oath to Salo. Refusal to take the oath entails deprivation of citizenship.
\n \nArticle III. Civil Law Reform
\n1. Private ownership of Salo is inviolable and guaranteed by law.
\n2. Nationalization of Salo is not permitted under any circumstances.
\n3. Gifts of Salo to non-Salo-eaters are forbidden and prosecuted by law.
\n4. Distribution of Salo upon divorce shall be carried out fairly: the belly cut remains with the Salo-eater who raises the children, the seared skin — with the other spouse.
\n \nArticle IV. Reform of Administrative and Criminal Law
\nThe following offenses are subject to punishment under administrative or criminal law:
\n1. Mockery of Salo:
\nup to 10 grams entails a fine of up to 10,000 hryvnias or corrective labor for up to 5 years with feeding exclusively on potaptsi with Salo and beet horseradish;
\nmore than 10 grams — life imprisonment with feeding exclusively on Volgograd "daily cabbage soup with dried peas."
\n2. Use of Salo for other than its intended purpose entails imprisonment for sexual perversion with the presentation to the prisoner of petroleum jelly or solidol (as desired) of the appropriate weight.
\n \nArticle V. Foreign Economic Relations
\n1. Export of Salo, as state property, beyond the border is forbidden. Within the single economic space, export of boar's salo is permitted.
\n2. Import of so-called "salo" from abroad is forbidden, since abroad there is no Salo, only its pitiful substitutes.
\n \nArticle VI. Art and Culture
\n1. When writing verses and poems, the only rhyme for the word "Salo" may be the word "malo." Permission to violate this rule is granted exclusively by the head of the information-analytical department of the Presidential Administration.
\n \nArticle VII. Final Provisions
\n1. The Law on Salo is global from a socio-political point of view and entails the repeal of such secondary laws as those on fish, grain, sugar, meat, and milk.
\n2. This Law enters into force from the moment the incumbent President takes the oath on Salo, or until such moment, or without such a President, but with the existence of our beloved Salo.